A lot of stuff happened recently, losing the debate competition in the semi-finals, grandmother contracting cancer, disappointing grades, etc. My mood is seriously, totally messed up.


Many told me that one should have self-confidence. Or at least, confidence.

I have neither.

I have totally no self-confidence, whether it's regarding my grades, my looks, my social life, and even when I'm asked to speak loud and clearly in a competition, or just in front of my classmates.

I'm afraid of how people judge me because I know that I give people bad impression. Whenever it's first day of school or something when I don't know most people, I get clumsy, talking lame stuff, etc and such, leaving bad impressions. I would question myself why can't I be less boring and give people good impression of myself instead when I got home. I know, I lack self-confidence, which a lot of my friends tell me to build up on it.

You think it's easy? I know, I know I should totally be more confident about myself. But everytime I try to be confident, someone or something will just break it.

I did try building up my confidence. But, some people just love to shatter them, and make sheer conjectures thinking they know me well. I really really really loathe it to the core. Just stop making remarks, even if it was meant to be a joke.

It hurts.
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